so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
