you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
