Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
