Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
