He kissed a someone with a penis
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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