wrigley field is MILF paradise
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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