my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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