When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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