Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
