woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
