i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize