what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
