my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Apparently you make a good broom.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
