A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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