Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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