I can text with my tongue
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
