take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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