i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I think my vagina is haunted
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
