I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
