thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
