I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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