literally had 100 drinks last night.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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