Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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