and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
