It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
