I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
