there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
