1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
