Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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