Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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