What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
