im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
