when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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