I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
