You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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