he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
