After last night, I could never be a politician.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
