How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
