literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
