Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
