I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
