You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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