I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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