3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
