You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
how drunk are you?
Several
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
