You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
