good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize