foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
