dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
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