the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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