I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
