nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
