I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
