it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
