he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
