just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
