on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
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