We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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