i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
