he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
