I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Text me some of your sweat
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
