I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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