how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i out mim tonsoeep
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