Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I have fence marks all over my body
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
