I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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