All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I think people are normalizing furries
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
